When I was younger and single, I frequently interacted with and was friends with married (and single) women; it would have never occurred to me that the relationship could have been viewed by others as “home-wrecking” or “emotional adultery.” Recently a friend got me thinking about this question, though. And the answer is a bit harder to come to now that I am older and married–the social protection of “coupling” is ingrained pretty deep.
What if my wife developed a close friendship with another man? Would it matter to me? If so, in what way? To some, the answer is pretty simple. Don’t be friends with someone else’s wife (guys!) and don’t be friends with someone else’s husband (ladies!). I ran into a blog post about this very topic just today and, according to the author and commentators, the discussion is much more complex than that. Check it out (especially the comments) and let me know what you think.
Here are a couple questions that continue to run through my head: Once married, are male-female friendships ever OK? If not, how does one avoid them? If so, how does one protect both the friendship and the marriage from deteriorating into jealousy or distrust?
April 26th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Hey, Jason. I really appreciated your post on cross-gender friendship and marriage. As a married man (3 years this May!), I have made daily choices in this area and have sometimes wondered whether or not I’m acting in good balance (the balance between developing friendship Vs. keeping my distance with members of the opposite sex). To share some self-observation… I definitely tend to keep my distance (emotionally, physically, etc.) from other women in my life, most often avoiding interactions that might lead to friendship. It seems to me that many of these women would probably be “safe” to be friends with, yet I find myself uncomfortable with the idea of purposely spending time with them or allowing room for more freindship to develop. I definitely want to protect my wife and myself from the risk of such relationships ever getting in the way of our marriage, yet I still don’t know what is the right/best balance for myself (or any other man). I err on the side of avoiding friendship, and I guess that makes me feel safe.
April 26th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Good question. You know I think being married, we all have to ask ourselves this question at one point or another. You know i think it all boils down to is, why are we hanging with the opposite sex. Is it because we’re trying to get something that we feel were not getting from our spouse, or is it completely plutonic?
I think the real final line is, does it make my spouse uncomfortable? Does it replace something that should be with the one I married. If asked to end the friendship am i mad and pissed off? THen maybe its something I’m holding onto to closely.
For me, if it is not dealing with work and in a public situation, i maintain relationships with my wife. We enjoy the company of all, because we are able to share that friendship on a level of what we both enjoy.
With all the crap that goes on these days, divorce, adultery, and flirting, my marriage means the world to me, and I have chosen that I will never put myself in that situation. Because when it all comes down to it, the only thing that matters, is Family.
Peace
April 27th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Brian,
Hey! Thanks for stopping by. It’s great to hear from you. Nicely put comment. I love it when you put a relatively touchy subject into such balanced, reasonable, and loving terms. Thanks man.
Tim,
I always appreciate your thoughts, my friend. Thanks for weighing in. For those of us that know you, it is obvious how much you care for others and that you understand the meaning of friendship. You seem to have a huge place in your heart for men and women, and yet, like you say, when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex you’re boundaries are very clear. By the way, I totally agree about family: they are my/your/our first priority.
Some thoughts…
I have many opposite sex friendships–mostly at work, church, or school (though we rarely ever spend time alone together). I care a lot about them. In their friendship and community, they have helped to define who I am–my very identity. They have challenged me to live more gracefully, more charitably, and more humbly among friends and enemies. They leave me feeling closer to what (I think) Jesus meant when he taught us about a “new family” that would be inaugurated in the coming of His already-and-not-yet Kingdom (see Mark 10:29-31 and Matthew 12:46-50). Affection and friendship across the “family” boundary line (across the “gender” boundary line too) was Jesus’ rule, though not at the expense of fidelity and trust in our sacred covenants and relationships. Rather, the union spouses experience may actually be strengthened as hospitality and friendships increase.
Perhaps friendship in general (and cross-gender friendship in particular) is a needful thing for a community to function as it should. The single folks out there know better than we married people that life alone becomes burdensome quickly. We need friendships and we need common paths to engage in. Why should our community codes be so neatly defined by “home-wrecking” narratives and “neutral” (or same sex) interactions? Sometimes I suspect it would be more reasonable (and less risky) if I were to limit my friendships to just men (although I’m not sure, given a community of men and women, how one could actually do that). In our culture of individualism and “autonomous” identities, just caring for someone in a transparent way can sometimes leave me feeling a bit silly–not to mention, when caring for a female friend, a tid bit “guilty.” So, is this the design we want for community in our place? In my mind, it doesn’t account for many real-life and valuable friends.
Chime in, ladies. What do you think? What else should we think about, guys?
August 17th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
[…] I was sent this blog post. It has to do with cross-gender friendships (cgf). Some of you may know I have blogged about this in the past. In fact, I referenced the person (Dan Brennan) who wrote this particular EV blog entry in my […]
December 20th, 2008 at 1:35 am
[…] whatever it’s worth, I can’t seem to get away from this topic (see here and here). I’m sure it will smell like a dead horse soon, but for now, not surprisingly, […]
April 18th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
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